Can IFS Therapy Help Us Stop Fighting and Start Understanding Each Other?

You love each other. That’s not the problem. The problem is what happens when things go wrong. Maybe it’s the way your conversations spiral. Maybe one of you shuts down while the other presses harder. Maybe there are long silences that feel heavy, awkward. And the harder you try to fix it, the more you feel misunderstood.

That’s a painful place to live in a relationship. And if you’ve landed here, chances are you’ve already tried your best—talking it through, giving space, reading books, maybe even trying other therapists. And still, you’re asking, “Why does this keep happening?”

That’s where IFS therapy—Internal Family Systems—can offer something different. At New Growth Counseling in Carlsbad, we use IFS to help couples make sense of these stuck places, not by fixing surface behavior, but by helping each person understand the emotional system inside of them—and how that system plays out in the relationship. When couples start to see themselves and each other in this new way, something shifts. Walls come down. Curiosity returns. Real change begins.

What Makes IFS Different from Other Couples Therapy?

Most therapy models focus on communication skills—how to say what you feel, how to listen better. And those tools can help. But if your emotional system is already on high alert, you’re not going to use the skills you learned in a book or last week’s session.

IFS starts somewhere else. It assumes that you have many “parts” inside you—emotional patterns that developed over time, often to protect you. These parts can show up as anger, detachment, people-pleasing, control, withdrawal, or shame. They’re not flaws. They’re strategies your system built to stay safe.

In a relationship, your parts and your partner’s parts bump into each other. You criticize because you feel invisible. They shut down because they feel attacked. You escalate because you’re desperate to be heard. They avoid because they’re scared of making it worse.

You’re not “too much.” They’re not “cold.” You’re both just reacting from places that have been trying to protect you for a long time.

The Magic Question in IFS: What Part of Me Just Got Triggered?

Imagine this: you and your partner are talking about something small—who forgot to take out the trash. But within minutes, you're in a full-blown argument. You feel that familiar heat rising in your chest, and you hear yourself saying something you know you’ll regret.

In IFS, that’s a cue to pause and ask: “What part of me just jumped in here?”

That part might be angry. It might be critical. Or it might be the voice that says, “I don’t even matter.”

When you can notice the part, get a little bit of space from it, and start relating to it with curiosity rather than shame or judgment—that’s when something shifts. You can respond instead of react. And better yet, you can help your partner understand what’s really going on.

This isn’t about analyzing each other. It’s about developing compassion—for yourself, and then for each other.

A Couple’s Turning Point: Jasmine and Leo

When Jasmine and Leo came into therapy (names changed), they were in a painful loop. Jasmine often felt ignored. She’d raise an issue and Leo would shut down. He said she was “too much.” She said he “wasn’t there.” They both felt alone, even while sitting next to each other.

In one session, after a tense exchange, we slowed everything down. I asked Jasmine what was happening inside her—not the story about Leo, but what she was feeling.

She hesitated, then said quietly, “There’s a part of me that feels invisible. Like I’m 8 years old again, trying to get someone’s attention.”

That moment cracked something open.

Leo looked over, surprised. “I didn’t know you felt that way,” he said. “When you get loud, I think you’re angry. I don’t see that little girl.”

Then it was Leo’s turn. “There’s a part of me that disappears when I feel like I can’t win,” he said. “It shuts down fast—like I’m frozen. I’ve been doing that since I was a kid.”

Now they weren’t fighting each other. They were seeing through each other’s protectors into the more tender places inside.

That was a turning point—not because they suddenly stopped arguing forever, but because they learned to recognize when their parts were driving the conversation. Over time, they began asking each other: “Who’s here right now?” And more often than not, they answered from a softer, more honest place.

How IFS Creates Emotional Safety

The most powerful thing IFS offers couples is emotional safety—not by demanding it from your partner, but by cultivating it inside yourself first.

When you know how to notice your parts, soothe them, and return to your calm, compassionate Self, you’re no longer trapped by old reactions. You can listen without bracing. You can speak without blaming. You can be vulnerable without fear of collapse.

And when both partners do this work—even a little—it becomes contagious. One person’s softness makes space for the other’s.

This is how cycles break. Not through control. Through understanding.

What an IFS Couples Session Feels Like

IFS sessions often move more slowly than traditional talk therapy. We’re not just solving this week’s argument—we’re listening inward.

You’ll be invited to notice what’s happening in your body, what parts are showing up, and what those parts might be protecting. Your therapist may guide each of you in gently connecting with parts that feel afraid, defensive, or shut down.

And no—you don’t have to be a therapy expert. You don’t need to have emotional language or perfect insight. You just need a little willingness to be curious. From there, we’ll go at your pace.

Is IFS Right for You and Your Partner? Can IFS Therapy Help Us?

IFS is especially helpful if:

• You and your partner are emotionally reactive or easily triggered

• One or both of you shut down during conflict

• You keep repeating the same arguments with no resolution

• There’s a sense of emotional distance or loneliness

• You’re ready to move beyond blame into deeper understanding

IFS isn’t about perfection—it’s about getting to know yourselves, and each other, with more kindness.

You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck

If your relationship feels heavy, painful, or confusing right now, please hear this: you’re not broken. Can IFS therapy help us? Yes - the two of you may just be caught in old patterns that need some help shifting. At New Growth Counseling, we use IFS because it helps people find their way back—not just to each other, but to themselves.

Let’s start with a conversation.

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There’s something good and solid inside each of you. Let’s help you find it again—together.

Disclaimer

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute mental health counseling. If you are in distress or need professional support, please contact a licensed therapist at New Growth Counseling to explore next steps.